MY INDEPENDENCE DAY

I was thinking it would be "un-American" of me to post something other than a patriotic post, but I am a honorably discharged veteran and I have the right (I think) to post about whatever I choose to, even on the 4th of July.  :)

Yesterday was a horrible day for me. 

I didn't want it to be, but it was and I let it be for the whole day. 

I wanted to blame it solely on my husband, but because I allowed myself to let things really get to me, I am the only one to blame.

My son and I have been in our new house for 3 weeks.  It is VERY apparent that my husband and I will not be reconciling in our marriage.  He has made it very clear in his words and actions.

I have begun drafting up dissolution/separation papers to file at the courthouse.

Everyone says how "tough" I am trying to get through this without a nervous breakdown, but little do they know, I am so very, very close to having one.

Not suicide. 

Just the point where you want to lay in bed and cry and cry and cry all day and night.  You can't really even sleep because you are BEYOND exhausted.

The problem I'm having, it seems, is reconciling this loss in my life. 

My husband is sick.  Mentally ill.  PTSD and alcoholism.  How can I be mad at him for these two issues when he didn't ask for either? 

I can't.

The difference between this sickness and something else is that he CAN get help.  He can go to the doctor, therapist, treatment, whatever.

He chooses not to.

I can't force him and I refuse to enable him. 

I haven't stopped loving him either.

I catch "glimpses" of him.  The "him" that I fell in love with.  The "him" that said he would love me forever and continue to build a life with me. 

I miss "him." 

But "him" doesn't stay around long enough for us to talk civilly and the "sick him" shows up more and more. 

It's like a slow death of someone. 

At the rate things are going, I am led to believe that I will not have him in my life in any capacity. 

That is the saddest part of all.